Introduction to Narcissistic Personality Disorder

No exploration of another's bad acts can be complete
without a fair dose of introspection also taking place.
We don't exist in a vacuum, and in the scheme of the
universe, we draw to us those who compliment our own
dark needs and desires. We play an integral part in who
inhabits our realm.


So, like most of life, there is need for personal responsibility
in who is drawn to us and what they do once there. This
is not an attempt to excuse bad behavior in the least; there
is no 'blaming the victim' as the rapist claims lack of remorse
because his target wore a short skirt.


People who take advantage of the weak and vulnerable
aspects of their fellow humans are not well. But they are
to be helped and overcome, feared and avoided...even
pitied and shown compassion. But our first duty is to self,
and the most important facet of knowing a person who
suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder is to understand
them in order to avoid being hurt by them.


Following the exploration of the machinations of an NPD,
there will also be investigation of what makes someone
vulnerable to them and open top being hurt by them.
Even more importantly, I'll look at how 'victims' can stop
being such and defend themselves from such attacks/incidents,
as well as how to recover from the experience.


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9. Surviving a Person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

What are some other warning signs of a person suffering
from NPD?
Some of the symptoms include....

*Two-facedness
- (This is a hard one because so many people
  in our society have this issue, but you'll see it in excess here.)
  -Constantly talking about other people (who aren't present) in
  disparaging ways, and feigning sincerity and affection to their face.
  -Expressing different motives for something depending on who
  they're talking to.
  -Pretending a conflicting sentiment was merely misinterpreted
 
*Indirectness
  -Refusal to commit
  -Using 'an article I read' or 'I heard someone say' as means for
    discouraging or discrediting others
  -Letting facial expressions or lack of response send their message
  -Leading you to think what they want rather than ask for it
  -Deflection
  -Claiming lack of memory or lack of knowledge to avoid conflict

*Changing the Rules
  This could be all manner of things; just a handful are...
  -Wavering on a position regularly, depending on something they heard
    or a specific person feeling differently
  -Rationalizing and excusing behavior
  -Using another tactic to manipulate you when the first doesn't work
 
* Covert activities
  -Avoiding answering questions
  -Secrets
  -Sneakiness
  -Generally keeps friends, family, acquaintances far away from
one another to avoid notes being compared

*Lofty promises
  -It's easy to make promises and win affection by doing so. There's no
rule that says you have to follow through. Promises--or pretend interest--
such as "Let's talk about this later" or "We'll get together and do that soon."
Again, a normal thing to do, but this is constantly employed as a means of
deflecting from responsibility in the present or convince the other person
of intimacy that isn't coming.

*Distractedness
-NPDs have so much going on inside that they are
constantly preparing and speculating and planning. They may consider
themselves expert multi-taskers, but you will catch them day-dreaming,
zoning out, forgetting things, absent-minded, etc.

* Fanaticism
- NPDs tend to get involved 'all-or-nothing' in new
projects, friends, ideas, dreams, etc. that seem to come out of left field.
They may restructure their whole schedule or life around something on
a whim, be only capable of speaking about it, and then at some point
down the road just as quickly drop it...usually when a new source pops in.

* Physically intimidating
-The NPD has mastered the art
of manipulation down to knowing what facial tics and posture will
likely get them what they want. They seek to control through;]
  -Strutting
  -Disgusted sneers
  -Eye rolling
  -Checking a watch or cell phone while someone speaks
  -Dismissive, unconcerned posture
  -Turning back on you or walking away while you speak
  -Deeply penetrating glares/raised brows that incinerate you

Narcissists want what they want when they want it, and will really
do pretty much anything to achieve that goal. They may switch
between multiple tactics in one small discourse, such as starting out
the deception of a compliment to get you to do them a favor, then
expressing disgust when you mention that you already have plans,
then turning to body language to intimidate, and promise you some-
thing they have no intention of delivering on.

(Or, the ultimate trick of an NPD, they will intimate that they will
withdraw from you as a result of not getting their needs met.)

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8. Surviving a Person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The intricacies of what it takes to be an NPD are not lost
on them, or on the rare few who decipher them and break
away from their pull. Whereas the majority of the world thinks
of abusers as angry, violent, out-of-control sorts who beat
women and smash up bars, the NPD is the ultimate in cool
collectedness. They are the original 'wolf-in-sheep's clothing.'

By taking the time to  study and smooth their way into
people's lives with finesse and subterfuge, they actually add
to their own sense of self and their prowess. They are proud
of  the quiet, unassuming, surreptitious path they took to
get to the chicken coop.

The long, slow, lure is part of the game for the NPD, further
promoting that they are the self-professed Master and all others
are unable to keep up. Drawing people into their web of deceit,
laughing at how easily they can manipulate others, it's all part of
the game and the appeal for an NPD.

We used to warn children of obviously weird strangers as being
a source of concern, as opposed to warning them of kindly uncles
and parents who say "I love you" when they abuse. In the same way,
our warped perception as to what constitutes a cruel person is
very much at play when we refuse to see NPDs as a concern.
How could this upstanding, smiling, godly, generous, family man
be guilty of something insidious? That conflict is precisely what the
NPD depends on to run their con.

7. Surviving a Person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Suggesting help to an NPD immediately takes you off their
radar. Anything else you say after that is dismissed, because
all they hear is criticism and assault, no matter the sincerity
or lovingness of the concern.

To question them as being anything less than perfect is an
attack on the Self. They do not care that you freely admit
your own faults, or that all human beings are known to have
faults; they cannot accept anything less than the aggrandized
self they have created which is not subject to the condemnations
of their past or inner voice.

In the eyes of an NPD, you are very much either "For them or
against them."

Unlike people suffering from other socio/psycho/chemical
disorders, NPDs do NOT want you to see through to their
issue. They don't want their illusions busted. They don't want
their real selves or feelings noticed. They don't want assistance
offered. They do not want to be 'seen.'

An NPD is an artist who has carefully and calculatingly coordinated
an artifice that serves them well. They have studied people and
situations and moods and facts for a long time, and are able to
influence and alter moods and people from every angle. What could
a common person have to say of value to them?

6. Surviving a Person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

I think there are a lot of myths circulating about the
make-up of an NPD individual, possibly because so
many of the information dispensed is from survivors
of their abuses, and are understandably slanted and
angry.

I think NPDs do have feelings, experience hurt, and even
experience love. The issue is with their lack of desire and
lack of comfort in showing their feelings. Acting unemotional
is not the same as being unemotional. There is a wealth of
pain in NPDs, but not (I expect) the desire to overcome
that pain in the typical ways. Avoidance is a common theme
of NPD victims/victimizers.

Appearing cold and aloof is a defensive tactic like any
other. I imagine that every NPD is fully capable of learning
how to experience feelings and emotions and even express
them, but it's sure to be a long and difficult process. How
can you overcome both traumatic childhood experiences
and a lifetime of coping mechanisms without some tears and
insanity?

Lack of empathy is a serious matter. It does separate people.
But how do we know that an NPD doesn't actually have the
ability to empathize, but they choose to suppress it in order
to appear in control. Yes, they do often have the ability to
emulate feelings when it serves them to do so. But perhaps it's
more than that. Perhaps the internal shut-down that takes place
when feelings do come to the surface is so severe that it is
debilitating?

There is no denying that there are dangerously anti-social
tendencies that definitely do make up an NPD person; self-seeking,
self-absorbed, self-promoting, etc. But what of these doesn't point
to a need for love and affection? They're capable of compassion;
it just comes in spurts and splatters, and is the exception. But that
charm of theirs will make you endure months of hell just for a few
minutes of heaven.

Often I believe these folks become involved in charities and
other endeavors as a means of attention-seeking, getting strokes
for being a good person, being dutiful, or just plain having a place to
focus their energies and be productive. But even here, their main
goal is to form an identity that is beneficial to them.

5. Surviving a Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The catch is that, in time, an NPD starts to really believe their own
hype.  If you spend your time convinced that all others are worthless
in order to feel you yourself are worthwhile, eventually you're going
to be completely incapable of valuing anyone. If you maintain a
stance of the world is always wrong and "I" am always right, then no
matter what happens, you feel okay at the end of the day.

There is a justification-based thinking that not only includes viewing
others as ignorant and subservient, but also seeing one's self as
a victim of persecution and attack. The past abuse overwhelms reality
and everything is viewed through paranoid assumption.

An NPD fluctuates between the enormous false self they have
created in their own mind--grandiose and beyond reproach--and the
humbling reality of the sense of undeservingness that still plagues them.
Unfortunately, they have developed a construct, a behemoth or their
fictional life that they must maintain and fuel in order to continue on
prosperously. Their entire identity and sense of self is--quite contra-
dictorily--based upon what they can get others to believe about them.

Doesn't sound much like someone who really thinks their shit doesn't
stink, does it?

If a source of esteem has lost its value to the NPD, they merely drop
 it and pick up another. The only value of another person is how they
make an NPD feel. If you no longer contribute to their positive feelings,
they will drop you in a hot second, often with great acrimony and quite
unceremoniously. They will not take responsibility for their actions (unless
the facade of doing so will contribute to an easier and quicker exit for
the injured party) and will typically blame the person being ousted for
some fundamental failing or lacking.

It's hard to imagine what the true inner life of an NPD must be like.
The loneliness, the self-doubt, the recriminations, the fear. They are
heartily resistant to sharing true emotions, and hardly ever admit if they
do self-diagnose as NPD or recognize someone else's determination.
(When they do admit it, they fail to view it--or admit it, at least--as  a
problem or something that needs to be changed.) Who knows what
level of pain they may be feeling as a result of being known by none.

For myself, I am sure that my NPD felt I was drawn to the illusion
of superiority so craftily built by his machinations. Or to the very real
goodness and accomplishment that had been achieved. But in truth,
I was just as drawn to the desire to show compassion to the hurting
little boy I saw inside.

4. Surviving Narcissistic Personality Disorder

What's so difficult about people with NPD is that there are
hurting people inside the disorder. It's nearly impossible to
reach or change them from the outside, but they are real hurting
people who have learned a means of surviving that creates the
very distancedness that most people wish to avoid.

Most studies suggest a connection between NPD and
childhood shame and overly critical parents/caregivers. I believe
 that childhood abuses of different sorts would
account for the needed detachment that occurs with an NPD.

The flip side of the dilemma is that underneath all of the hubris
and nastiness and emotional devaluing that an NPD initiates,
they actually don't feel very good about themselves at all. Just
like you learned about bullies in school--that someone who feels
the need to stomp on others is not actually strong, but weak,
and needs to create an illusion to the contrary--so it is true for
emotional bullies.

They are completely insecure on every level and that has
created an overcompensating need to decimate all others
and create an illusion-based life that will impress everyone
who comes into contact with them. Devaluing, dismissing,
dominating, and disrespecting others are their relationship
assets.

Imagine how incredibly lonely and traumatic that is?

That the very construct you have created (regardless of
consciousness) is responsible for furthering the problem you
wished to avoid in the first place.

1. Surviving a Person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or 'NPD'?

*********************************************

It is a recognized--although rare (less than 1 % of population)--
personality disorder as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual for Mental Disorders, 4th edition.) (My comments in red)

*An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates
achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior
without commensurate achievements)
(Talk for a half hour and not once ask how you are, spend an
e-mail talking about self, make a simple business decision into
the news story of the week, etc.."If only people would listen to
them," "Why is everyone so stupid?" etc.)

*Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power,
brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
(Obsessive compulsive, workaholics, extremely anal, controlling,
plan and research things to death, etc. Also use any means to get
what they want --lie, manipulate, intimidate, cheat--and then act
as if the results are a testimony to their innate greatness)

*Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only
be understood by, or should associate with, other special or
high-status people (or institutions)
(Makes anything they do seem like the cream of the crop--they
wouldn't associate with anything that wasn't, and by virtue of
their presence everything is better. Likewise drawn to highly
popular, wealthy, charming other people so that they can have
their 'greatness' validated by identifying/absorbing)

*Requires excessive admiration
(Will turn the conversation to self, dig for compliments, ignore
your accomplishments, devalue you in order to receive more
attention, etc. Become sullen and pout, even angry, at not
receiving sufficient attention or if another person has the spotlight.)

*Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable
expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic
compliance with his or her expectations
(Astonished when rules apply to them, hates to be corrected,
does not like to be kept waiting, etc. Expect their ideas to be
accepted, their thoughts to be respected, their plans to go
unchallenged, etc)

*Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to
achieve his or her own ends
(Likes people who 'hero-worship' and tend to surround self
with two extremes; people they feel they aren't as good as
whom they want to accept them...and people they feel superior
 to whom they want to crush and use as Source for their esteem.
Will seduce and entice--tell people what they want to hear--to
get their desired results.)

*Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the
 feelings and needs of others
(If you share with them or express emotion, they may change the
subject, ignore you, laugh at you, condemn you, or get angry.
Sometimes will even appear baffled and confused, which is
their real response to emotions typically...unless they want
something from you and are trying to appear kind until they get it.)

*Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious
of him or her
  (but does not tend to let on about this; pettiness emerges in
time if you are in the 'inner sanctum'. Basically, everything revolves
around them, positive or negative.)

*Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
  ("Let me know how that works out for ya!", sneers, dismissive
glances, casually referring to others or their ideas as 'ignorant',
ending relationships on a whim, condemns others, believes self 
superior to others in all ways....are all signs of NPD)

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2. Surviving Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Most NPDs are hard to spot. They are master manipulators who
can change from instant to instant, person to person, depending
on the needs of the circumstances. They are able to
determine what is needed to be said or done to best get their
desired results from any situation. They are alternately people-
pleasers and completely self-absorbed.

In discussing NPD people, it's important to recognize that
these are not completely evil or unredemptive people, though
their treatment of others can regularly be brutal and devastating.
NPD folks are traumatized kids-in-adult-bodies who know no
other way of getting their needs met. They don't even have the
moral capacity to recognize right from wrong, most of the time
(and wouldn't admit it if they did!)

There is very much a sociopathic/psychopathic component of
NPDs, but as detached as they are from empathy and concern
for others (or 'normal' human emotion,) they very much do
experience pain and suffering. It's just that they attribute it
erroneously to other people's actions, not their own.
Narcissists are very slow to ever recognize responsibility
for having a problem, and reluctant to change anything about
themselves if they ever do see the issue clearly.

They are completely opposed to criticism of any kind, even
if constructive or intended to assist them in feeling better. They
devalue the opinions of everyone else, so even the people they
pretend to commiserate with are meaningless to them. (Don't
let the lip service fool you.) They become frustrated and enraged
when anyone deviates from the plans they have in mind, questions
them, offers other opinions, etc.

While recognizing the humanity of an NPD, it's important not
to get sucked in to playing the role of caretaker to one! They
are emotional vampires that will suck you dry. Their only use for
other people is to;
-use them as garbage cans for their issues, criticisms, tirades...
-use them as stepping stones for their success
-use them to fulfill needs of being adored and popular
-use them to make themselves feel powerful, smarter, better,
richer, etc. by comparison

3. Surviving Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Awareness is key to understanding an NPD, because the only
one you can save here is YOU.

Get out of any relationship with these people the minute
you realize what they are. (having said that; by the time you
have been around long enough to see through their spell, you
will have been thoroughly charmed and seduced, and find the
gravitational pull of their high energy lure difficult to escape.
They have a propensity for getting inside your wheel case;
figuring you out, giving you enough of what you want, and
taking advantage of your emotional discord are their strengths.)

It's ironic that even knowing how corrupt and even dangerous
someone is, it's difficult to escape the insidious appeal
of the effect they have on people.

Confronting them with the reality of what is happening, how
 you feel, how they have hurt you, how they are hurting
themselves, etc will not bring about change. The only means
of their improving is to see that they are doing wrong, admitting
 it, and seeking counseling with a qualified and experienced
therapist over time. That's not likely to happen with an NPD.

A complete transformation is unlikely, but there are some
general rules when it comes to an NPD seeing the need--and
possibility--for change. Another traumatic event, or a huge change
that causes attitudes and insights to alter (such as mid-life crisis,
religious overhaul, etc.) can give an NPD the genesis of desire to
change. But the work is long, slow, and excruciating. It shouldn't be
attempted alone--either without supports or professional help--but,
alas, even after an epiphany, NPDs are reluctant to share anything
with anyone. Without an objective outside eye, the NPD is still
at the mercy of their own warped perceptions and interpretations.

What does happen is that you have been thoroughly indoctrinated
by one of the most calculating and insightful minds on the planet.
 So you may start to;
-question your judgment
-question the actual turn of events as you recall them
-question why others aren't hip to the person's real story
-fear social stigmatization from separating from someone who has
  a stranglehold on the rest of a   mutual group of friends, community,
  family, etc.
-worry over the well-being of the NPD, even after he/she has
  continually shown themselves unconcerned  for you
-become full of self-doubt that you allowed yourself to be so used
and abused
-question that anyone anywhere is truthful, kind, real, or that integrity
exists
-feel foolish/humiliated/hurt that you could have fallen for their fake
  emotions and the relationship of lies
-have difficulty overcoming the brainwashing of how 'wonderful'
they are,   and how 'unimportant' you are without them
...and much more....

Inner Strength

If we hold fast to the truth we know deep within us,
ignoring all the external voices and distractions, we
will have all the strength necessary to survive and
thrive.

We can never make everyone understand who we are,
no matter how clearly we live. Explaining ourselves to
others is not possible; worry about being misinterpreted
is a waste of time and energy.

We follow our own spirit, and it may not mirror or
even resemble the beaten path at all. This makes others
uncomfortable and possibly antagonistic. Even those
closest to us do not automatically see what is best for us.
It's incumbent upon us to release ourselves from the
rigidity of expectations both internal and external.

If we are secure enough to risk being maligned and
gossiped about, we will achieve so much more. As the
song says, "You can't please everyone, so you have to
please yourself."

We have one obligation in this world; to fulfill our specific
heart's needs. No one else can determine what that need is.
No one else's opinion in relation to this path matters. It
is intensely personal and intimate.

To other people, the idea of what we involve ourselves
with is a superficial infatuation at best. The idea that
we are obliged to trying to explain ourselves, our motives,
our dreams to another person is nonsense. Some things
can't be related adequately, even if the person had any
interest in knowing.

Know yourself, and determine that you will make your goal,
some how, some way.

Live and Let Live

Today, let me see the good in each person.

Let me be kind to the mistakes of others,

as well as myself.

Let me allow everyone else to find the truth

that works for them.

May I remember that judgment is seeking

to avoid my faults by blaming another.

I hope to keep in touch with certain lessons;

People love and live the best they know how.

People learn in their own time and way.

People have hurts I can't imagine and motives

    I can't know.

Let it be......and be easy.

The Gift

To instruct someone on
How to Think
or What to Say
leaves them with little
at the end of the day.


Promoting absolutes
and labeling another wrong
presumes we are
at journey's end
with nothing more to glean.


When we Help
someone find the path
and answers that are correct
for them,
we learn as well.


The world is large;
look to the light,
not your feet.

COMMON GROUND

Just trying to stay afloat!

There are a lot of people in crisis right now. Things
world-wide are turning topsy-turvy. In some cases,
people who have never had significant issues are
being plagued with the onset of multiple problems
at once. There aren't adequate sources to help every
person, and because of overload, even those able
and willing to help are suffering fatigue. It's rough,
and it's likely going to get worse still, before improving.

There are still people maintaining the illusion that all
is well; our society's duality is still its chief export.
Maintaining the illusion of cool while the house is on
fire.

Make no mistake, though; it's real.
It's widespread.
The help just isn't there.
You aren't alone.
You aren't crazy.

We are a nation obsessed with falling apart in private
and maintaining posturing in public. This keeps us
thinking that we've lost our minds; we hear one story
on the news but our own senses tell another. We know
our experience doesn't match what officials say should
or is happening. So we start to assume that we must be
wrong, and question ourselves.

Surely our fatalism is a sign of losing our minds?

 Nah..it's just nerves and fear reacting to changes.

We're losing people all at once, and feel alone and scared.
Loss of job, change of living arrangements, divorce,
separation, deaths, and more can happen in packs and
make us feel like we're jinxed or abandoned.
 Nah...we're just grieving the death of relationships, and

it does bring sadness and despair. It's natural.

Simple questions nag us...we get obsessed over 'stupid'
things. When feeling vulnerable and disrupted, it's normal
to focus on smaller problems, making mountains out of
molehills. Some days, everything seems to overwhelm us.
This, too, shall pass.

We are more capable than we imagine.
We can adjust and reinvent ourselves.
We are not the sum total of our things.
We are not identified by a job.
We are complete with or without others.
We are stronger than we know.

It's just the human condition going through a growth spurt.
Don't beat yourself up; you're right where you need to be.

There is an 'other side' to all this.....we're only experiencing
what millions before have been through. We just have to
accept that change is inevitable and control is an illusion.
Once we know we don't know everything, and no one else
does either, it's all good.

Hang tough.

To Nag or Not to Nag?!

So, say you have this friend.....



And they're a real go-getter. They have the future planned
to the 'T', probably scheduling when they clip their nails.
Their bank ledger is their best friend. Nothing they do is
left to chance, it seems.

But they take no control over their physical health whatsoever.

In fact, their fitness checklist reads like a "How To" Guide for
Heart Attacks;
  * Poor and limited sleep
  * Over-scheduled, hectic days; extreme stress on a regular basis
  * Poor eating habits and abysmal dietary choices
  * No exercise
  * Suppression of emotions; no outlet for anger, frustrations
  * Increase in weight, hyper-tension, high blood pressure, etc.
  * Chain-smoker

Now, it might seem that these lifestyle choices would be
obviously detrimental, especially to someone so consumed
about preparing for the future and their security. So why doesn't
a friend or family member take the initiative and make the necessary
changes in their life to increase good physical and mental health.
Surely that's as important to them and their family's future returns
as savings and planning?

Maybe this is the place where a well-intentioned friend thinks
they should step in and address the matter; asking their friend
to please address these warning signs before there is no
opportunity to do so. And yet, because you know your friend,
you also know how they think somewhat. You are aware
that;
  - They don't like conflict of any kind
  - They don't like for attention to be on them or discuss self
  - They don't like thinking about their body, maybe for valid reasons
  - They aren't very appreciative of advice or being evaluated
  - They tend to take even concern and compassion as criticism
  - They may simply get freaked out even discussing mortality
(Yes, I just described 95% of the male populace in North America. 
Now you know why there's a blog entry!)

So, the question(s) may become "Is it going to do more harm than
good if I address this matter? What if my friend takes great offense
and doesn't want to speak to me any more? Can I really make a
difference by saying something?"

These are things you must answer for yourself, ultimately, but
let's look at some of the issues at least.

Do you care enough about your friend that bringing up the idea
that might get their perspective changed is worth any initial resistance
or hostility?

Does your friend value you and your relationship enough to listen
or at least come around?

Is your intention to change or control someone, or simply get them
to think about something important? (Remember, we all have areas
we don't dedicate ourselves to fully; broaching this personal matter
may make your friend feel compelled to address your 'shortcomings.')

One recommendation is personalizing the discussion. Don't just
critique your friend's actions; tell them why you're worried. Talk about
how much you care, remind them of the things that matter. Even let them
know of your apprehension of talking to them and that you were
concerned about pushing them away. It might help better detail
where you're coming from. You have a relationship; talk from that
perspective.

As any spouse, parent, or doctor can tell you, getting another
human being to change their mind or their ways--even when it is for
their own good--is highly unlikely. We humans value our indepen-
dence, stubbornness, and sense of superiority more than almost
anything else. We really dislike being told what to do. Even to the
extreme of not doing something beneficial to self if the idea for it
came from someone else; we wouldn't want to get caught following
someone else's advice.

Another factor in this is that we are reluctant to absorb new
information or change thinking. If we have been living a certain way
for 40-some-odd years, we would have to give serious active
thought to how our actions and our problems might be related.
Seems common sense from the outside looking in, but having a light
bulb go off takes a lot. We often have to hear a new idea 20 or 30
times before we start opening up to it--or even hearing it.

And, here's the conundrum. If you don't engage in a series of
introductions to the information (leaving pamphlets, sending e-mails,
mentioning risk factors, having a sit-down talk) they may not get it
and be informed. Yet, if you do keep promoting the information to
get it to sink in, you may alienate your friend or make them adverse
to taking the advice because they have gotten defensive and offended
about the persistence. If you nag someone about diet, they may gorge
on extra greasy cheeseburgers just to prove how much you don't
control them.

It's a power thing. Even when they're out of control, people like
the illusion that they have it. So evaluate carefully before proceeding.
My personal theory is that it's better to have somebody alive to be
pissed off at my interference than lose them because I was afraid
to say anything...but we all have to find what works for us. The key
I think is to not have expectations that you're going to change your
friend by intervening; and not being offended if they don't listen. For
better or worse, people are ultimately in charge of their own lives.

Until someone wants to change for their own benefit and by their
own power, no change is going to be complete or lasting. Here's
another thought; when concerned for a friend's health activities....
how meticulously are we caring for our own? It's always easier to
focus on others than self; that may have been what got your friend
in trouble in the first place!

Disconnect

There can be no

bond

between two people

when there is

no truth

between two people

continue the exploration

outward;

the journey 

within

will wait for you

"I Gotta Be Me"

Discovering what we as individuals 'are made of' is an empowering process.
Painful, sometimes long, often confusing...but filled with power!


As we shed the lies of this world, uncovering the importance of our own
song, our own spirit, our own capability, there is a peace that sets in.
The process of removing the shackles that were bred into us and reinforced 
over a lifetime is a journey not everyone undertakes.


The world is Sameness Manifested. Human mirroring human for gain of
money or status, rebelling against the true self for the profitability of being
invited into the inner sanctum. Duplicity and darkness reign in the outer
world, but they do not have to invade our true world.


It says something about people when they need to see themselves reflected
back from the people surrounding them. Narcissus needed a constant image
of himself reflected back lest he became irritable and discontent. He didn't
trust his own view to be genuine, and that's a fatal mistake.


Beauty is in seeking our own voice, exploring our own truth, and creating
our unique, whole self into the world. Who else can I be other than who I am?
It is often late in life that we discover the existential dilemna of the need to
marry much of our private selves and public selves.  


 *How can our reason for existing be to meet the needs of others?
 *If no one cares after we're gone--including us--why are we concerned?
 *How much of the social agreements I made are legit or necessary?
 *Is the illusion of comfort worth more than the birthing pain of honest living?
 *Why would I have a spectacular unique view if not to share it?


I can only relate to others and the world when I am whole. If I share choice
bits and pieces to please others, there is no acceptance of the real me....only
selective approval. 

If I choose to be undone, to be unbecoming, then I lay myself bare to the
universal truth...to the insistence from deep within that there is joy in being
free, no matter what these earthly circumstances. Man only has power over
me if I give it to him. I choose not to give my power away. I claim it. I embrace
it. I voice it.


I will  sing even when others do not appreciate...
I will dress as I find fitting....
I will love whom I choose....
I will enjoy my pursuits.....
I will live without understanding or approval....

The world exists on its own terms; I live based on mine.


To find strength of self in this world, you need to find a balance between
"I love all things equally" and "This is me; Go **** yourself."
*******************************************************

Who decides today's emotions?

*Everything maintains its own place and time.

*I choose to be happy with what is right, and ignore the rest,

or to focus on what is perceived wrong, and ignore the good.

*I choose whether or not to allow perceptions of others to distract

me from living my life.

*Today will occur as it does largely due in no part to my

machinations or attitudes, so it is in my best interest to

relinquish pain and resentment and find a means to be

at peace.

*There is no promise of happiness, and it is fleeting when it

visits. But the absence of happiness need not be despair. It

can just as easily be contentedness.

*While I work on being content, let me ponder what happiness

truly is:

-Is it dependent on how much money I maintain?

-Or who loves me--or doesn't love me?

-Is it based on my weight or age?

-Is it geographically induced?

If so, then perhaps I need to do a rethink or a restructure on

my views. I can make a choice to be as happy as I please,

based on no externals whatsoever. Then, I may take happiness

with me everywhere, never allowing circumstance to influence

me.

Identity

The searching most people do for identity is
a lifelong process. Many of us become entrenched
in a set pattern of behaviors and comfortable
ideas early on, and find the labels used to define
us very secure.

But to be truly alive and responding to the flow
of life, we find ourselves in conflict with old ideas
and old relationships. We discover that there
are things about us that don't work, and if we
are honest enough...bold enough....willing
enough...then we may be able to dig deeper.

Identity is not set in stone. We may change our
political, religious, sexual, romantic, or financial
outlooks as we mature and experience life.
Perspective offers opportunity to reevaluate and
grow.

But identity is not simply based on actions, ideas,
and associations. They make up aspects of identity,
but the tapestry is vast. Much of what influences
"who we are" is based on 2 very crucial elements;

A) What we believe we are capable of (in terms of
ability, courage, inspiration)

and
B) What we feel we are "allowed" to do (by society,
family, religion, work, spouse, internal restrictions
of 'conscience' and prior 'morality' lessons.

When we get to a point that we can question the authority
that keeps our desires in check, maybe then can we truly
begin to experience a taste of what our true selves are.
Or can become.

When we stop operating on fear, and learn that we
can't please everyone else, and our own unique spirit
needs to be listened to....that's a beginning.

No one else can live the life we were given to live.
No one else can access it but us. Happy hunting.

Emotions

Reality unfolds as it will; the course of events is neither
kind nor curious as to the whims or needs of individuals.


I can either expend my energies cursing circumstance
and being irate over the things that happen 'to' me,
or I can learn to release myself from negative response.


We have emotions; it's a natural part of the human condition.
And these emotions are comprised of love and fear in all
their many manifestations; jealousy, anger, hurt, worry,
desire, etc.


Feelings or emotions by themselves are not evil.


Letting emotions get out of control and run our lives is what
becomes the negative. All things in moderation. Finding
balance is the key.


It is normal to feel anger over a vicious attack; the harm of
anger comes from retaliating, dwelling, escalating, nursing it,
and otherwise maintaining and responding to it.


Only by pushing past emotions can we find freedom. We
cannot eliminate emotions; they are part of us. But we can
learn to temper our responses and lessen the hold that
emotions have over us.


Learning the discipline is a journey.

Meditation; Preparation for the Day

Before I ever leave the house (or even the bed, for that
matter,) it is critical that I determine what the day will
be for me.

I must make a conscious decision to prepare myself for
the troubles and challenges that will inevitably come.

I cannot wait to be sideswiped by emotions or circumstances
to decide how I react.

Taking time to center myself and remember what is really
important is crucial to my day's outcome. I can do a mental
and emotional pep talk anywhere.

I can continue it in the car. I can make good choices about the
thoughts I keep in my head. I can select music that is comforting,
or I can go with therapeutic silence.

If I need to, I can also take a break at any point and remember
to breathe. If in the middle of a conflict I find myself losing the
calm I left home with, I can resurrect it then and there with
awareness and re-dedication.

The power is within, but it must be strengthened and used.

New Day Dawning

I keep my focus entirely on what I need to be doing today.

I am not concerned by others' opinions, worries, or needs.

My responsibility is to take care of myself. I must...
-communicate my needs
-take care of business
-maintain my emotional sobriety
-not become distracted by outside issues

If I am honest, calm, and kind, then all will be well.

There is no promise of anything this day;
Not assistance, not mercy, not respect, not ease, not life.
I am okay with the randomness and chaos of this world,
knowing that I can not change the majority of what occurs.

There is serenity in detaching from need.

I choose to disconnect from my neediness, my desires, my
anger, my fear. All my so-called problems (worry, fights,
lust, jealousy, hurt feelings) are a result of being overly
attuned to my baser emotions.

I will not have my life governed by emotions.

Focus

Where I place my focus is where my day goes.

If I choose to dwell on minor incidents, they gain power.
They grow in significance.
They affect the scope and tenor of my day.

I can release thoughts from my head by choosing to focus
my attention elsewhere, no matter how many times I must
avert my attention.

I also choose how I respond.
If I am angry, I must question why.
I must separate from an angry feeling and recognize it doesn't
have to become an angry reaction. It has only the power I allow it.

I move on from the old me and into a new creation.

I am not controlled by emotions. Being controlled by emotions
is a weakness not befitting me. It is admitting defeat and allowing
others and outside forces to control me.

A moment of giving in to emotions leads to a multitude of
repercussions. Let me use my brain today.

I focus on what needs to be done, not things I can't change.

I focus on what's right, not what's 'wrong.'

I focus on me and my needs, and I focus inwardly, not on
the externals.