5. Surviving a Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The catch is that, in time, an NPD starts to really believe their own
hype.  If you spend your time convinced that all others are worthless
in order to feel you yourself are worthwhile, eventually you're going
to be completely incapable of valuing anyone. If you maintain a
stance of the world is always wrong and "I" am always right, then no
matter what happens, you feel okay at the end of the day.

There is a justification-based thinking that not only includes viewing
others as ignorant and subservient, but also seeing one's self as
a victim of persecution and attack. The past abuse overwhelms reality
and everything is viewed through paranoid assumption.

An NPD fluctuates between the enormous false self they have
created in their own mind--grandiose and beyond reproach--and the
humbling reality of the sense of undeservingness that still plagues them.
Unfortunately, they have developed a construct, a behemoth or their
fictional life that they must maintain and fuel in order to continue on
prosperously. Their entire identity and sense of self is--quite contra-
dictorily--based upon what they can get others to believe about them.

Doesn't sound much like someone who really thinks their shit doesn't
stink, does it?

If a source of esteem has lost its value to the NPD, they merely drop
 it and pick up another. The only value of another person is how they
make an NPD feel. If you no longer contribute to their positive feelings,
they will drop you in a hot second, often with great acrimony and quite
unceremoniously. They will not take responsibility for their actions (unless
the facade of doing so will contribute to an easier and quicker exit for
the injured party) and will typically blame the person being ousted for
some fundamental failing or lacking.

It's hard to imagine what the true inner life of an NPD must be like.
The loneliness, the self-doubt, the recriminations, the fear. They are
heartily resistant to sharing true emotions, and hardly ever admit if they
do self-diagnose as NPD or recognize someone else's determination.
(When they do admit it, they fail to view it--or admit it, at least--as  a
problem or something that needs to be changed.) Who knows what
level of pain they may be feeling as a result of being known by none.

For myself, I am sure that my NPD felt I was drawn to the illusion
of superiority so craftily built by his machinations. Or to the very real
goodness and accomplishment that had been achieved. But in truth,
I was just as drawn to the desire to show compassion to the hurting
little boy I saw inside.