6. Surviving a Person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

I think there are a lot of myths circulating about the
make-up of an NPD individual, possibly because so
many of the information dispensed is from survivors
of their abuses, and are understandably slanted and
angry.

I think NPDs do have feelings, experience hurt, and even
experience love. The issue is with their lack of desire and
lack of comfort in showing their feelings. Acting unemotional
is not the same as being unemotional. There is a wealth of
pain in NPDs, but not (I expect) the desire to overcome
that pain in the typical ways. Avoidance is a common theme
of NPD victims/victimizers.

Appearing cold and aloof is a defensive tactic like any
other. I imagine that every NPD is fully capable of learning
how to experience feelings and emotions and even express
them, but it's sure to be a long and difficult process. How
can you overcome both traumatic childhood experiences
and a lifetime of coping mechanisms without some tears and
insanity?

Lack of empathy is a serious matter. It does separate people.
But how do we know that an NPD doesn't actually have the
ability to empathize, but they choose to suppress it in order
to appear in control. Yes, they do often have the ability to
emulate feelings when it serves them to do so. But perhaps it's
more than that. Perhaps the internal shut-down that takes place
when feelings do come to the surface is so severe that it is
debilitating?

There is no denying that there are dangerously anti-social
tendencies that definitely do make up an NPD person; self-seeking,
self-absorbed, self-promoting, etc. But what of these doesn't point
to a need for love and affection? They're capable of compassion;
it just comes in spurts and splatters, and is the exception. But that
charm of theirs will make you endure months of hell just for a few
minutes of heaven.

Often I believe these folks become involved in charities and
other endeavors as a means of attention-seeking, getting strokes
for being a good person, being dutiful, or just plain having a place to
focus their energies and be productive. But even here, their main
goal is to form an identity that is beneficial to them.