9. Surviving a Person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

What are some other warning signs of a person suffering
from NPD?
Some of the symptoms include....

*Two-facedness
- (This is a hard one because so many people
  in our society have this issue, but you'll see it in excess here.)
  -Constantly talking about other people (who aren't present) in
  disparaging ways, and feigning sincerity and affection to their face.
  -Expressing different motives for something depending on who
  they're talking to.
  -Pretending a conflicting sentiment was merely misinterpreted
 
*Indirectness
  -Refusal to commit
  -Using 'an article I read' or 'I heard someone say' as means for
    discouraging or discrediting others
  -Letting facial expressions or lack of response send their message
  -Leading you to think what they want rather than ask for it
  -Deflection
  -Claiming lack of memory or lack of knowledge to avoid conflict

*Changing the Rules
  This could be all manner of things; just a handful are...
  -Wavering on a position regularly, depending on something they heard
    or a specific person feeling differently
  -Rationalizing and excusing behavior
  -Using another tactic to manipulate you when the first doesn't work
 
* Covert activities
  -Avoiding answering questions
  -Secrets
  -Sneakiness
  -Generally keeps friends, family, acquaintances far away from
one another to avoid notes being compared

*Lofty promises
  -It's easy to make promises and win affection by doing so. There's no
rule that says you have to follow through. Promises--or pretend interest--
such as "Let's talk about this later" or "We'll get together and do that soon."
Again, a normal thing to do, but this is constantly employed as a means of
deflecting from responsibility in the present or convince the other person
of intimacy that isn't coming.

*Distractedness
-NPDs have so much going on inside that they are
constantly preparing and speculating and planning. They may consider
themselves expert multi-taskers, but you will catch them day-dreaming,
zoning out, forgetting things, absent-minded, etc.

* Fanaticism
- NPDs tend to get involved 'all-or-nothing' in new
projects, friends, ideas, dreams, etc. that seem to come out of left field.
They may restructure their whole schedule or life around something on
a whim, be only capable of speaking about it, and then at some point
down the road just as quickly drop it...usually when a new source pops in.

* Physically intimidating
-The NPD has mastered the art
of manipulation down to knowing what facial tics and posture will
likely get them what they want. They seek to control through;]
  -Strutting
  -Disgusted sneers
  -Eye rolling
  -Checking a watch or cell phone while someone speaks
  -Dismissive, unconcerned posture
  -Turning back on you or walking away while you speak
  -Deeply penetrating glares/raised brows that incinerate you

Narcissists want what they want when they want it, and will really
do pretty much anything to achieve that goal. They may switch
between multiple tactics in one small discourse, such as starting out
the deception of a compliment to get you to do them a favor, then
expressing disgust when you mention that you already have plans,
then turning to body language to intimidate, and promise you some-
thing they have no intention of delivering on.

(Or, the ultimate trick of an NPD, they will intimate that they will
withdraw from you as a result of not getting their needs met.)

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8. Surviving a Person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The intricacies of what it takes to be an NPD are not lost
on them, or on the rare few who decipher them and break
away from their pull. Whereas the majority of the world thinks
of abusers as angry, violent, out-of-control sorts who beat
women and smash up bars, the NPD is the ultimate in cool
collectedness. They are the original 'wolf-in-sheep's clothing.'

By taking the time to  study and smooth their way into
people's lives with finesse and subterfuge, they actually add
to their own sense of self and their prowess. They are proud
of  the quiet, unassuming, surreptitious path they took to
get to the chicken coop.

The long, slow, lure is part of the game for the NPD, further
promoting that they are the self-professed Master and all others
are unable to keep up. Drawing people into their web of deceit,
laughing at how easily they can manipulate others, it's all part of
the game and the appeal for an NPD.

We used to warn children of obviously weird strangers as being
a source of concern, as opposed to warning them of kindly uncles
and parents who say "I love you" when they abuse. In the same way,
our warped perception as to what constitutes a cruel person is
very much at play when we refuse to see NPDs as a concern.
How could this upstanding, smiling, godly, generous, family man
be guilty of something insidious? That conflict is precisely what the
NPD depends on to run their con.

7. Surviving a Person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Suggesting help to an NPD immediately takes you off their
radar. Anything else you say after that is dismissed, because
all they hear is criticism and assault, no matter the sincerity
or lovingness of the concern.

To question them as being anything less than perfect is an
attack on the Self. They do not care that you freely admit
your own faults, or that all human beings are known to have
faults; they cannot accept anything less than the aggrandized
self they have created which is not subject to the condemnations
of their past or inner voice.

In the eyes of an NPD, you are very much either "For them or
against them."

Unlike people suffering from other socio/psycho/chemical
disorders, NPDs do NOT want you to see through to their
issue. They don't want their illusions busted. They don't want
their real selves or feelings noticed. They don't want assistance
offered. They do not want to be 'seen.'

An NPD is an artist who has carefully and calculatingly coordinated
an artifice that serves them well. They have studied people and
situations and moods and facts for a long time, and are able to
influence and alter moods and people from every angle. What could
a common person have to say of value to them?

6. Surviving a Person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

I think there are a lot of myths circulating about the
make-up of an NPD individual, possibly because so
many of the information dispensed is from survivors
of their abuses, and are understandably slanted and
angry.

I think NPDs do have feelings, experience hurt, and even
experience love. The issue is with their lack of desire and
lack of comfort in showing their feelings. Acting unemotional
is not the same as being unemotional. There is a wealth of
pain in NPDs, but not (I expect) the desire to overcome
that pain in the typical ways. Avoidance is a common theme
of NPD victims/victimizers.

Appearing cold and aloof is a defensive tactic like any
other. I imagine that every NPD is fully capable of learning
how to experience feelings and emotions and even express
them, but it's sure to be a long and difficult process. How
can you overcome both traumatic childhood experiences
and a lifetime of coping mechanisms without some tears and
insanity?

Lack of empathy is a serious matter. It does separate people.
But how do we know that an NPD doesn't actually have the
ability to empathize, but they choose to suppress it in order
to appear in control. Yes, they do often have the ability to
emulate feelings when it serves them to do so. But perhaps it's
more than that. Perhaps the internal shut-down that takes place
when feelings do come to the surface is so severe that it is
debilitating?

There is no denying that there are dangerously anti-social
tendencies that definitely do make up an NPD person; self-seeking,
self-absorbed, self-promoting, etc. But what of these doesn't point
to a need for love and affection? They're capable of compassion;
it just comes in spurts and splatters, and is the exception. But that
charm of theirs will make you endure months of hell just for a few
minutes of heaven.

Often I believe these folks become involved in charities and
other endeavors as a means of attention-seeking, getting strokes
for being a good person, being dutiful, or just plain having a place to
focus their energies and be productive. But even here, their main
goal is to form an identity that is beneficial to them.

5. Surviving a Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The catch is that, in time, an NPD starts to really believe their own
hype.  If you spend your time convinced that all others are worthless
in order to feel you yourself are worthwhile, eventually you're going
to be completely incapable of valuing anyone. If you maintain a
stance of the world is always wrong and "I" am always right, then no
matter what happens, you feel okay at the end of the day.

There is a justification-based thinking that not only includes viewing
others as ignorant and subservient, but also seeing one's self as
a victim of persecution and attack. The past abuse overwhelms reality
and everything is viewed through paranoid assumption.

An NPD fluctuates between the enormous false self they have
created in their own mind--grandiose and beyond reproach--and the
humbling reality of the sense of undeservingness that still plagues them.
Unfortunately, they have developed a construct, a behemoth or their
fictional life that they must maintain and fuel in order to continue on
prosperously. Their entire identity and sense of self is--quite contra-
dictorily--based upon what they can get others to believe about them.

Doesn't sound much like someone who really thinks their shit doesn't
stink, does it?

If a source of esteem has lost its value to the NPD, they merely drop
 it and pick up another. The only value of another person is how they
make an NPD feel. If you no longer contribute to their positive feelings,
they will drop you in a hot second, often with great acrimony and quite
unceremoniously. They will not take responsibility for their actions (unless
the facade of doing so will contribute to an easier and quicker exit for
the injured party) and will typically blame the person being ousted for
some fundamental failing or lacking.

It's hard to imagine what the true inner life of an NPD must be like.
The loneliness, the self-doubt, the recriminations, the fear. They are
heartily resistant to sharing true emotions, and hardly ever admit if they
do self-diagnose as NPD or recognize someone else's determination.
(When they do admit it, they fail to view it--or admit it, at least--as  a
problem or something that needs to be changed.) Who knows what
level of pain they may be feeling as a result of being known by none.

For myself, I am sure that my NPD felt I was drawn to the illusion
of superiority so craftily built by his machinations. Or to the very real
goodness and accomplishment that had been achieved. But in truth,
I was just as drawn to the desire to show compassion to the hurting
little boy I saw inside.

4. Surviving Narcissistic Personality Disorder

What's so difficult about people with NPD is that there are
hurting people inside the disorder. It's nearly impossible to
reach or change them from the outside, but they are real hurting
people who have learned a means of surviving that creates the
very distancedness that most people wish to avoid.

Most studies suggest a connection between NPD and
childhood shame and overly critical parents/caregivers. I believe
 that childhood abuses of different sorts would
account for the needed detachment that occurs with an NPD.

The flip side of the dilemma is that underneath all of the hubris
and nastiness and emotional devaluing that an NPD initiates,
they actually don't feel very good about themselves at all. Just
like you learned about bullies in school--that someone who feels
the need to stomp on others is not actually strong, but weak,
and needs to create an illusion to the contrary--so it is true for
emotional bullies.

They are completely insecure on every level and that has
created an overcompensating need to decimate all others
and create an illusion-based life that will impress everyone
who comes into contact with them. Devaluing, dismissing,
dominating, and disrespecting others are their relationship
assets.

Imagine how incredibly lonely and traumatic that is?

That the very construct you have created (regardless of
consciousness) is responsible for furthering the problem you
wished to avoid in the first place.

1. Surviving a Person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or 'NPD'?

*********************************************

It is a recognized--although rare (less than 1 % of population)--
personality disorder as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual for Mental Disorders, 4th edition.) (My comments in red)

*An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates
achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior
without commensurate achievements)
(Talk for a half hour and not once ask how you are, spend an
e-mail talking about self, make a simple business decision into
the news story of the week, etc.."If only people would listen to
them," "Why is everyone so stupid?" etc.)

*Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power,
brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
(Obsessive compulsive, workaholics, extremely anal, controlling,
plan and research things to death, etc. Also use any means to get
what they want --lie, manipulate, intimidate, cheat--and then act
as if the results are a testimony to their innate greatness)

*Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only
be understood by, or should associate with, other special or
high-status people (or institutions)
(Makes anything they do seem like the cream of the crop--they
wouldn't associate with anything that wasn't, and by virtue of
their presence everything is better. Likewise drawn to highly
popular, wealthy, charming other people so that they can have
their 'greatness' validated by identifying/absorbing)

*Requires excessive admiration
(Will turn the conversation to self, dig for compliments, ignore
your accomplishments, devalue you in order to receive more
attention, etc. Become sullen and pout, even angry, at not
receiving sufficient attention or if another person has the spotlight.)

*Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable
expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic
compliance with his or her expectations
(Astonished when rules apply to them, hates to be corrected,
does not like to be kept waiting, etc. Expect their ideas to be
accepted, their thoughts to be respected, their plans to go
unchallenged, etc)

*Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to
achieve his or her own ends
(Likes people who 'hero-worship' and tend to surround self
with two extremes; people they feel they aren't as good as
whom they want to accept them...and people they feel superior
 to whom they want to crush and use as Source for their esteem.
Will seduce and entice--tell people what they want to hear--to
get their desired results.)

*Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the
 feelings and needs of others
(If you share with them or express emotion, they may change the
subject, ignore you, laugh at you, condemn you, or get angry.
Sometimes will even appear baffled and confused, which is
their real response to emotions typically...unless they want
something from you and are trying to appear kind until they get it.)

*Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious
of him or her
  (but does not tend to let on about this; pettiness emerges in
time if you are in the 'inner sanctum'. Basically, everything revolves
around them, positive or negative.)

*Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
  ("Let me know how that works out for ya!", sneers, dismissive
glances, casually referring to others or their ideas as 'ignorant',
ending relationships on a whim, condemns others, believes self 
superior to others in all ways....are all signs of NPD)

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2. Surviving Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Most NPDs are hard to spot. They are master manipulators who
can change from instant to instant, person to person, depending
on the needs of the circumstances. They are able to
determine what is needed to be said or done to best get their
desired results from any situation. They are alternately people-
pleasers and completely self-absorbed.

In discussing NPD people, it's important to recognize that
these are not completely evil or unredemptive people, though
their treatment of others can regularly be brutal and devastating.
NPD folks are traumatized kids-in-adult-bodies who know no
other way of getting their needs met. They don't even have the
moral capacity to recognize right from wrong, most of the time
(and wouldn't admit it if they did!)

There is very much a sociopathic/psychopathic component of
NPDs, but as detached as they are from empathy and concern
for others (or 'normal' human emotion,) they very much do
experience pain and suffering. It's just that they attribute it
erroneously to other people's actions, not their own.
Narcissists are very slow to ever recognize responsibility
for having a problem, and reluctant to change anything about
themselves if they ever do see the issue clearly.

They are completely opposed to criticism of any kind, even
if constructive or intended to assist them in feeling better. They
devalue the opinions of everyone else, so even the people they
pretend to commiserate with are meaningless to them. (Don't
let the lip service fool you.) They become frustrated and enraged
when anyone deviates from the plans they have in mind, questions
them, offers other opinions, etc.

While recognizing the humanity of an NPD, it's important not
to get sucked in to playing the role of caretaker to one! They
are emotional vampires that will suck you dry. Their only use for
other people is to;
-use them as garbage cans for their issues, criticisms, tirades...
-use them as stepping stones for their success
-use them to fulfill needs of being adored and popular
-use them to make themselves feel powerful, smarter, better,
richer, etc. by comparison

3. Surviving Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Awareness is key to understanding an NPD, because the only
one you can save here is YOU.

Get out of any relationship with these people the minute
you realize what they are. (having said that; by the time you
have been around long enough to see through their spell, you
will have been thoroughly charmed and seduced, and find the
gravitational pull of their high energy lure difficult to escape.
They have a propensity for getting inside your wheel case;
figuring you out, giving you enough of what you want, and
taking advantage of your emotional discord are their strengths.)

It's ironic that even knowing how corrupt and even dangerous
someone is, it's difficult to escape the insidious appeal
of the effect they have on people.

Confronting them with the reality of what is happening, how
 you feel, how they have hurt you, how they are hurting
themselves, etc will not bring about change. The only means
of their improving is to see that they are doing wrong, admitting
 it, and seeking counseling with a qualified and experienced
therapist over time. That's not likely to happen with an NPD.

A complete transformation is unlikely, but there are some
general rules when it comes to an NPD seeing the need--and
possibility--for change. Another traumatic event, or a huge change
that causes attitudes and insights to alter (such as mid-life crisis,
religious overhaul, etc.) can give an NPD the genesis of desire to
change. But the work is long, slow, and excruciating. It shouldn't be
attempted alone--either without supports or professional help--but,
alas, even after an epiphany, NPDs are reluctant to share anything
with anyone. Without an objective outside eye, the NPD is still
at the mercy of their own warped perceptions and interpretations.

What does happen is that you have been thoroughly indoctrinated
by one of the most calculating and insightful minds on the planet.
 So you may start to;
-question your judgment
-question the actual turn of events as you recall them
-question why others aren't hip to the person's real story
-fear social stigmatization from separating from someone who has
  a stranglehold on the rest of a   mutual group of friends, community,
  family, etc.
-worry over the well-being of the NPD, even after he/she has
  continually shown themselves unconcerned  for you
-become full of self-doubt that you allowed yourself to be so used
and abused
-question that anyone anywhere is truthful, kind, real, or that integrity
exists
-feel foolish/humiliated/hurt that you could have fallen for their fake
  emotions and the relationship of lies
-have difficulty overcoming the brainwashing of how 'wonderful'
they are,   and how 'unimportant' you are without them
...and much more....