"Why can't you just act right?"

Although it's hardly a laughing matter, I chuckle when
I think of the average person's misconception about
those of us with mental afflictions.

The above cartoon serves to illustrate how simplistically
most feel towards a condition like bi-polar disorder
(a.k.a. manic-depressive illness.) If only it were as easy
a notion as picking out a different shirt, from a clear and
conscious point of view.

I have, over the last few years, discovered an alarming
problem, even within the context of my already perplexing
illness of constant cycling from mania to severe depression.
The realization was that upon each new cycling (return) of
the depressive element, it worsens.

I have been unable to find competent care available for
a person without insurance, particularly here in the smallest,
most isolated, most backwoods part of Georgia, a state the
federal government had to file a lawsuit against for the
established incompetency in dealing with people with mental
illness. (You know it's bad if the government --Department of
Justice--has to get involved and say "You're killing folks!")

I thought perhaps I was even more 'crazy' than initially
understood, with these increasing lows (but, unfairly enough,
not increasing manias, Dammit!) I figured I would continue to
spiral until reaching an inevitable, horrid-enough existence
that suicidal tendencies would no longer be frightening, it would
be welcome release. I thought I was deteriorating into an
even deeper, different hole.

And then I read this book, entitled "Food and Loathing" by
Betsy Lerner, and she mentioned, simply enough, that bipolar
is a progressive illness, when not treated and maintained by
medication.

Now, I understand the chemical component of bipolar, and
that my brain can't materialize what it's incapable of producing.
But never, in any of my various readings and studying to find
answers through the last 28 years, had I ever seen anything
that mentioned the progressive nature of the disease.

I sobbed to read these words. Not because of the dire nature
of their portent, but because I knew that I was not alone; that
I saw for a moment there was a logical reason for what was
happening in my life.

No more idea of my being inferior, even for a 'mental patient.'
No more worry that I was descending into complete madness.
This was part of the party package that I had received (even
though most definitely not a requested one!)

I have found many ways to cope with the highs and lows of
this disease, and made peace with those aspects I cannot
control, but to know that this severity and fear I had faced
was not exclusive to me....that I was not just 'too weak'...
this was both revelation and uplift.

Maybe this message can reach someone else, too.

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