BEING HURT
Why do we take such offense at the words or criticisms of
other people?
If we don't believe it, it has no power. So where's the real
problem? On some level we must believe that what others
say about us is true.......or we value the opinion of another
person more than we do our own.
Granny used to say "Consider the source." But even this is
an avoidance of the real issue.
It isn't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If all the world knows nothing about you, but you yourself
know the truth, that must be enough. The issue is not entirely
to avoid conflict, but to avoid conflicted thinking within.
HOW CAN other peoples' comments hurt us?
1) we believe what they say is true
2) we put more stock in that person than we do ourselves
3) we don't know who we are, and we allow others to
identify and define us
Who's responsible for the people we have in our lives?
The thoughts we have in our heads?
Where did the voices of self-doubt come from?
Do we still want them?
Some of us are identified by caring for others, sometimes
even to our own detriment. Love is not supposed to hurt.
We can get a sense of who we are by giving UP who we
are in order to care for another. Our lives become secondary
to their needs. Resentments grow as we feel obligated, but
who told us to? We are not responsible for anyone but us.
If we keep going back for more, why wouldn't the other
person continue abusing us? People are willing to take every
bit as much advantage of us as we are willing to allow them.
We are responsible for every person and thing in our life;
we have the ability to change our lives at any time.
Our lives are not meant to be a reaction to other people.
We are not here to exclusively fill the needs of another,
and others are not here to cater to us.
We have our own path to follow, each and every one of us.
Discovering what that is, seeking our own truth, is what life
is about.
We create our own world, and we start to do so by
supporting ourselves, not expecting anyone else to believe
in us or our dreams.
We learn to speak our needs and defend ourselves.
We learn to not allow ourselves to be taken advantage of,
rather than passively being upset that others do take advantage.
We learn to say "No." The world is what we put into it.
We have to fill the void of negativity and old habit with some-
thing....we can't simply erase the bad. Nature abhors a vacuum.
So let's take an example--a situation where we find ourselves
'upset' with someone. Pick a specific person you always have
trouble with , or pick a specific pet peeve you have with some-
thing everyone does. Get that in mind.
Now, what's really going on is we say
"I'm upset because so-and-so does THIS."
But what's behind that?
See if any of these statements ring true;
-They don't act the way I want them to act
-They don't say what I want them to say
-They don't do what I want them to do
-They don't think the way I want them to think
-They don't feel about me the way I want them to feel
-They don't give me the respect I want them to
-They don't appreciate me
-They don't accept me
We tend to use big, broad, vague terms and sweeping
generalizations in our upset, like:
-"I hate you"......."You hurt me"......"You always do this"
We need to focus on more specific and explanatory thoughts;
If/then statements; "When you _____, then I feel like______."
This both depicts the reality, no room for doubt, and it takes
the responsibility of owning your own feelings. The next step
after responsible communicating is to address what your needs
are and what you expect to happen next. You need to ask for
your own needs to be met.
*Get to the root of the problem.
*Recognize the need for action.
*Take action for self and our part.
*Recognize others cannot be made to take responsibility for us.
Confront others who take advantage.
Find our voice to represent our own needs.
Take a stand against what is unacceptable for us.
Say NO to what we don't want.
Protect our bounmdaries. (Establish them if need be.)
We each have a right--and responsibility--to defend our boundaries.
(continued)...
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COMBATIVENESS
If we can't find love readily, we can also find our worth externally
by finding the opposite emotion; hatred! Humans are very adept
at being combative.
We can manufacture a fight over the most ridiculous things
imaginable... because it's never really about the toothbrush or the
toilet paper.
Being combative or making an enemy out of someone is an
identity of its own. It's the ultimate distraction from the undesirable
nature of what truly irks us.
The conflict gives us a purpose...something to fight against, a
passion about being alive. It may be someone with a different
political view, a neighbor who doesn't live as we think they
should, a former friend or lover who 'wronged' us, or simply
someone who 'rubs us the wrong way.'
Discontent, rivalry, upset, drama, superiority, inferiority,
victimization, hate, condescension...these are all harmful and
unproductive ways of becoming high on self or having a reason
to get out of bed.
A major source of rationale for engaging in disputes is the
distraction it can provide from our own lives and our own
character issues or life problems that need addressing. If we
fear facing our uncomfortable demons, what better way to
avoid than to demonize someone else as the cause of conflict
in our lives?
Feeling superior to another is NOT feeling good about self.
((Read quotes marked in the following:
Awakening.....4 Agreements....essay from How to Profit))
What are some examples of how we actively run someone
down to make ourselves feel better?
(Gossip...criticism....judgment....ignoring....being cold.....)
We have to learn as responsible mature adults how to meet
our own needs. It isn't anyone else's job.
No one can read our minds. Passive aggressiveness is not a
communication technique.
(continued)...
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ACCEPTANCE, APPROVAL, LOVE
Why do we so desperately seek the approval of peers?
Why do we require the acceptance or respect of parents
and friends throughout life?
Why is love the one thing we go to nearly any lengths to
find, attain, and keep?
We seem to operate on a basis of fear and lacking, but
even when we get hold of 'the answer' we seek, we are
obsessed with it since it is an external source and outside
of our control. We may alter how we act or think in order
to draw another person to us.
We give up the one thing we do have--our real selves--in
order to seemingly cement the deal with a fickle person's
affections.
Our society is completely obsessed with image, illusion,
lies, and manipulation.
We almost assume duality in all things from business to
personal relationships; it's a given that people say one
thing and do another.
Think of a first date or meeting someone in business; we
are consumed by putting forth only positive imagery,
glossing over the warts...we want to impress this stranger.
But what are we presenting if not the real us?
What is your mindset?
Are we fixed, finite, knowable, set creatures, rigid and
absolute in our parameters?
Or are we ever-developing complex, complicated creatures
on a journey of discovery?
How you believe probably has great impact on how you
live. Whether you are open to possibility and differences,
or whether you seek the illusion of control and try to
maintain a set role.
We don't really ever know where we've been, often
times, so how can we know where we're going? Goals
are fine, as long as they're written in pencil.
Do we need to know for sure?
If we're honest, we probably would say that we're
uncertain and doubtful at times, despite the need to
appear solid and ready.
Why can't we let others be unsure too?
Ah, because presentation is the thing; WE know
we're doubtful, but we don't want anyone else to.
If we are so desperate for love, are we truly open to
receiving it?
Do we find the measure of our worth based on
whether or not another person loves us?
Whether people laugh at our jokes or not?
Whether our product sells or we get the raise?
Is our value based upon the acceptance of a key person?
Or do we try and please everyone at all times, losing
our true self?
We achieve a sense of separateness, or division when
we go about seeking to connect in such ways. The very
goal we sought becomes counter to what we receive
because of the tactics we employ to attain it.
(continued...)
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Time after time, I find myself doing the same foolish thing,
and then magically remembering that I have already made
the discovery-- and decision--to stop doing it!
Why on earth do we make choices that are unnecessary
and put us through hell, often to find ourselves in either
the same old place or one that is familiar enough in its
dissatisfying nature?
Whether it's stress eating (when I really know I'm not
even hungry,) or getting caught up in a guy that doesn't
even know I exist (which is, of course, part of the maso-
chistic thrill of it,) the habit of doing certain things is a
strong draw.
Habituation takes constant, focused effort to counter-act.
We often want something for no valid reason except that
it is familiar to us; the longer our neurons have fired a
certain way, the more deeply attached we are to it.
(Same goes for our bad choices of mate!)
We get to a point where we have to listen to our conscious
mind and what we intellectually know to be smart, rather
than giving in to our emotional pull which lies to us and
suggests that the negative or poor choice is the one we
'want' since it causes the same old chemical responses
to fire and release!
The process of breaking down old habits for our own
good is a daunting one, and takes will power and patience.
The grass isn't always greener, but our fantasies may
take some time catching up to that.
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"I do what I love, and the world loves what I do."
-Alan Cohen, "a deep breath of life"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
intro..
Good morning everyone; my name is Robert Sayre, and welcome
to the retreat!
I chose the name "Healthy Revolution" because being mindful and
having a specific goal requires clarity and specific wording. Because
of what we fight against with bad habits and the enticements of the
world, a true revolution is required in both thought and action.
Maybe we made some new year's resolutions aimed at health and
fitness? Maybe we even kept some. But did we make a focused
determination to change how we think?
How we feel?
How we act spiritually?
So, today we'll be looking at 4 things;
-How we view ourselves
-Why are we so needy?
-Why do we have so much conflict?
-How to discover and promote our true selves
So...who's responsible for us? All of us are over 18 and able-bodied.
Is a parent responsible? A child? A spouse? A boss?
No, of course we are responsible for ourselves. Maybe we find
ourselves guilty of blaming others for treating us poorly....or for
partners not doing what we want. But we still are responsible.
We bring into our periphery exactly what we need.
If people are taking advantage of us, it is not their job to look out
for our best interests; it is our job to learn how to defend ourselves
against people who would do us wrong. to learn how better to
spot these people.
To learn the lesson of not being so vulnerable and open to harm.
Spirituality is not passive or weak.
WHO ARE YOU?
What makes up your identity? Is it a job, a hobby, spouse,
friends, causes, money, kids, looks?
(Have the class consider or write down)
Or is it something more?
If externals were removed or changed, what of 'you' would
remain? (offer the scenario from 'Trading Spaces' )
Is your esteem based on these external things?
What of your identity is internally based?
On spiritual skills, ideals, abilities, lovingness?
Would other people evaluate you the same as you do yourself?
Does how others think about you affect what you do?
How do we discover who we 'really' are?
Buddhism focuses on the idea of 'impermenance,' the under-
standing that all things pass away; from money to looks to
health, relationships and love to life itself.
What is it that we can truly depend upon? I assert that
we can and must depend upon self. For many that's a given,
but for others of us it's a fundamental of life that has been
overlooked.
(continued)....
