Why do we take such offense at the words or criticisms of
other people?
If we don't believe it, it has no power. So where's the real
problem? On some level we must believe that what others
say about us is true.......or we value the opinion of another
person more than we do our own.
Granny used to say "Consider the source." But even this is
an avoidance of the real issue.
It isn't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If all the world knows nothing about you, but you yourself
know the truth, that must be enough. The issue is not entirely
to avoid conflict, but to avoid conflicted thinking within.
HOW CAN other peoples' comments hurt us?
1) we believe what they say is true
2) we put more stock in that person than we do ourselves
3) we don't know who we are, and we allow others to
identify and define us
Who's responsible for the people we have in our lives?
The thoughts we have in our heads?
Where did the voices of self-doubt come from?
Do we still want them?
Some of us are identified by caring for others, sometimes
even to our own detriment. Love is not supposed to hurt.
We can get a sense of who we are by giving UP who we
are in order to care for another. Our lives become secondary
to their needs. Resentments grow as we feel obligated, but
who told us to? We are not responsible for anyone but us.
If we keep going back for more, why wouldn't the other
person continue abusing us? People are willing to take every
bit as much advantage of us as we are willing to allow them.
We are responsible for every person and thing in our life;
we have the ability to change our lives at any time.
Our lives are not meant to be a reaction to other people.
We are not here to exclusively fill the needs of another,
and others are not here to cater to us.
We have our own path to follow, each and every one of us.
Discovering what that is, seeking our own truth, is what life
is about.
We create our own world, and we start to do so by
supporting ourselves, not expecting anyone else to believe
in us or our dreams.
We learn to speak our needs and defend ourselves.
We learn to not allow ourselves to be taken advantage of,
rather than passively being upset that others do take advantage.
We learn to say "No." The world is what we put into it.
We have to fill the void of negativity and old habit with some-
thing....we can't simply erase the bad. Nature abhors a vacuum.
So let's take an example--a situation where we find ourselves
'upset' with someone. Pick a specific person you always have
trouble with , or pick a specific pet peeve you have with some-
thing everyone does. Get that in mind.
Now, what's really going on is we say
"I'm upset because so-and-so does THIS."
But what's behind that?
See if any of these statements ring true;
-They don't act the way I want them to act
-They don't say what I want them to say
-They don't do what I want them to do
-They don't think the way I want them to think
-They don't feel about me the way I want them to feel
-They don't give me the respect I want them to
-They don't appreciate me
-They don't accept me
We tend to use big, broad, vague terms and sweeping
generalizations in our upset, like:
-"I hate you"......."You hurt me"......"You always do this"
We need to focus on more specific and explanatory thoughts;
If/then statements; "When you _____, then I feel like______."
This both depicts the reality, no room for doubt, and it takes
the responsibility of owning your own feelings. The next step
after responsible communicating is to address what your needs
are and what you expect to happen next. You need to ask for
your own needs to be met.
*Get to the root of the problem.
*Recognize the need for action.
*Take action for self and our part.
*Recognize others cannot be made to take responsibility for us.
Confront others who take advantage.
Find our voice to represent our own needs.
Take a stand against what is unacceptable for us.
Say NO to what we don't want.
Protect our bounmdaries. (Establish them if need be.)
We each have a right--and responsibility--to defend our boundaries.
(continued)...
****************************************************
No comments:
Post a Comment