Dealing With Dementia part 2

(Things are changing quickly now...)

When encountering a loved one with dementia, learn to
just say "Okay."


Lose your need to be right.
Let go of the need to argue a point.
This is not a contest or a normal relationship.


The fight is not worth it.


What's difficult here is when the patient is a loved
one and there's an emotional component involved!
When a parent calls you a 'liar' or tells you you did
something which you didn't do, it can trigger old
hurts or push buttons.


It doesn't matter who's right. Remember what the
specifics of the situation are without saying anything
to the patient about it.


Pick your battles.


"Sure."
"You're right."
"Whatever you say."
"I'll get right on that."


Say you'll do something, even when you won't or it's
already been done. Trying to assert reality or get them
to recognize their forgetfulness are wastes of time and
energy.


Handle stuff on your own, however it needs to be handled.
No need to argue with a mentally ill person about the realities
or intricacies; they won't remember anyway.


Just appease them and then do what needs doing.
It's better to ask forgiveness than permission!
(As applies to situations where consent and involvement is
not necessary, naturally)


Help give information without being condescending.
For example, if I say "Well, good Thursday morning to you,
Mother! Do you have time to eat before your doctor's
appointment?" I have given four pieces of information to
help a waking patient establish their reality:
-Day of the week
-My relationship to them
-What's on the agenda
-That it's morning and time to eat


It may seem stilted, but this is superior to answering countless
questions, which also makes them feel self-conscious and
foolish. Every bit of empowerment you can give is helpful.


Overlook argumentativeness; it takes two to tango. It's
all about their anger at the situation...it isn't personal.

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Dealing With Dementia

When you and a loved one's lives get turned on

their ear due to early onset dementia, everything changes.

The difficulties which arise can't be dealt with through

the same old responses; the entire relationship

shifts.

Nerves are on edge, personalities will (generally)

conflict more than ever before, and tempers are

short. Patience and calm are

easy to prescribe, but hard to maintain.

These are some of the tricks I have learned to

help make daily life easier.

Find tasks (within the person's capability range)

to do. Chores, invented tasks, or

busy work...it's all about keeping their mind and

body occupied and active.

It could be as simple as organizing recipes,

photo albums, clearing out old magazines--all

of which are also jobs that possibly reconnect

them as old associations are triggered.

These jobs give a sense of contribution and

participation to the patient, which becomes

increasingly important.

(Don't press the point when the patient expresses

frustration and inability; they are NOT the person

they were, and getting frustrated or

demanding will only worsen things. Do your grief

and denial work independent of your time with the patient.)

And of course, confronting them while

you're angry is never a good idea; they will not retain the

importance of the issue you're addressing, but the

upset will linger. Criticism is the least effective tool

with dementia patients.

Tasks are good for a sense of purpose,

accomplishment, and even connection with

the caregiver or family member.

Also, don't make a big deal out of your need

to 'take over' most or all of the household responsibilities.

Be matter of fact, very low key, even--where possible--

not even mentioning it.

If taking over the bills, make it seem like you

enjoy doing it and it's helping you out

by letting you do them. Don't ask; it just forces the issue.

Hide the bills, the checkbook; get the mail delivered to a

P.O. Box for safe-keeping if need be.

Avoid conflict wherever possible, and do so

by not making a big deal out of the changes taking place.

They already know what's going on on some level--

it's just unpalatable.

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