So, say you have this friend.....
And they're a real go-getter. They have the future planned
to the 'T', probably scheduling when they clip their nails.
Their bank ledger is their best friend. Nothing they do is
left to chance, it seems.
But they take no control over their physical health whatsoever.
In fact, their fitness checklist reads like a "How To" Guide for
Heart Attacks;
* Poor and limited sleep
* Over-scheduled, hectic days; extreme stress on a regular basis
* Poor eating habits and abysmal dietary choices
* No exercise
* Suppression of emotions; no outlet for anger, frustrations
* Increase in weight, hyper-tension, high blood pressure, etc.
* Chain-smoker
Now, it might seem that these lifestyle choices would be
obviously detrimental, especially to someone so consumed
about preparing for the future and their security. So why doesn't
a friend or family member take the initiative and make the necessary
changes in their life to increase good physical and mental health
.
Surely that's as important to them and their family's future returns
as savings and planning?
Maybe this is the place where a well-intentioned friend thinks
they should step in and address the matter; asking their friend
to
please address these warning signs before there is no
opportunity to do so. And yet, because you know your friend,
you also know how they think somewhat. You are aware
that;
- They don't like conflict of any kind
- They don't like for attention to be on them or discuss self
- They don't like thinking about their body, maybe for valid reasons
- They aren't very appreciative of advice or being evaluated
- They tend to take even concern and compassion as criticism
- They may simply get freaked out even discussing mortality
(
Yes, I just described 95% of the male populace in North America.
Now you know why there's a blog entry!)
So, the question(s) may become "Is it going to do more
harm than
good if I address this matter? What if my friend takes great offense
and doesn't want to speak to me any more? Can I really make a
difference by saying something?"
These are things you must answer for yourself, ultimately, but
let's look at some of the issues at least.
Do you care enough about your friend that bringing up the idea
that might get their perspective changed is worth any initial resistance
or hostility?
Does your friend value you and your relationship enough to listen
or at least come around?
Is your intention to change or control someone, or simply get them
to think about something important? (Remember, we all have areas
we don't dedicate ourselves to fully; broaching this personal matter
may make your friend feel compelled to address your 'shortcomings.')
One recommendation is personalizing the discussion. Don't just
critique your friend's actions; tell them why you're worried. Talk about
how much you care, remind them of the things that matter. Even let them
know of your apprehension of talking to them and that you were
concerned about pushing them away. It might help better detail
where you're coming from. You have a relationship; talk from that
perspective.
As any spouse, parent, or doctor can tell you, getting another
human being to change their mind or their ways--even when it is for
their own good--is highly unlikely. We humans value our indepen-
dence, stubbornness, and sense of superiority more than almost
anything else. We really dislike being told what to do. Even to the
extreme of not doing something beneficial to self if the idea for it
came from someone else; we wouldn't want to get caught following
someone else's advice.
Another factor in this is that we are reluctant to absorb new
information or change thinking. If we have been living a certain way
for 40-some-odd years, we would have to give serious active
thought to how our actions and our problems might be related.
Seems common sense from the outside looking in, but having a light
bulb go off takes a lot. We often have to hear a new idea 20 or 30
times before we start opening up to it--or even hearing it.
And, here's the conundrum. If you don't engage in a series of
introductions to the information (leaving pamphlets, sending e-mails,
mentioning risk factors, having a sit-down talk) they may not get it
and be informed. Yet, if you do keep promoting the information to
get it to sink in, you may alienate your friend or make them adverse
to taking the advice because they have gotten defensive and offended
about the persistence. If you nag someone about diet, they may gorge
on extra greasy cheeseburgers just to prove how much you
don't
control them.
It's a power thing. Even when they're out of control, people like
the illusion that they have it. So evaluate carefully before proceeding.
My personal theory is that it's better to have somebody alive to be
pissed off at my interference than lose them because I was afraid
to say anything...but we all have to find what works for us. The key
I think is to not have expectations that you're going to change your
friend by intervening; and not being offended if they don't listen. For
better or worse, people are ultimately in charge of their own lives.
Until someone
wants to change for their own benefit and by their
own power, no change is going to be complete or lasting. Here's
another thought; when concerned for a friend's health activities....
how meticulously are we caring for our own? It's always easier to
focus on others than self; that may have been what got your friend
in trouble in the first place!
