the incredible graphic novel "Family Matter"
by Will Eisner
In my day, I've seen a lot of people at the end of their lives.
Between frequenting nursing homes, volunteering, making friends
with sick and older folks, and surviving the HIV/AIDS crisis, I saw
a lot of different takes on how people face the end.
The one similarity I can draw between them all was the lack of
interest in having friends and family be around them.
In the movies, you see people hover and clutch and try and say
those precious 'unsaid' thoughts. In reality, most want to be
like the animals, and go off by themselves to die in peace.
People who are not experiencing sickness themselves don't
want to experience it. It's uncomfortable and scary, and people
do everything they can to avoid thinking about old age, sickness,
and/or death. They can't be expected to understand. Yet all people
who are at the end want is understanding.
An identity of separateness and diminished
capacity starts to form. The Whole Person is replaced by The
Sickness. The Well can't see anything but the Sickness, and yet
are distracted by their lives of activity and busyness. The unwell
can't relate to what are now trivial concerns, and need someone
who can understand what they're talking about.
So a schism starts to form. Only natural, but a schism nonetheless.
Detachment, for both parties' self-preservation.
I have watched many a friend's entire complexion change for the
worse upon hearing that a family member was coming up to visit.
They didn't want to have to put on a show. They didn't want to
answer umpteen expected questions about the day's numbers.
They didn't want to see the changed look in their eyes. No one
wants to be an obligation or a compartmentalized object.
Many elected not to tell friends and family that they were sick
at all. "I don't want to be treated any differently because of this
one thing. If they love me, show it when I'm well. If they don't
want anything to do with me, that's fine too."
When someone is sick, honesty in words and action can be a
true blessing. The sick are still the human beings we have always
known.
